Jokes/Humour – courtroom

I’m supposed to be writing a presentation. But I’m laughing at emails instead. From my mate Amanda. Apparently these are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. I checked the book out and it’s called Disorder in the Court: Great Fractured Moments in Courtroom History and this is what the Publishers Weekly said: Misstatements from the courtroom–legalese marred by malapropisms, slips of the tongue, eccentric interpretations and profanities–are gleefully quoted in this compilation.
Copyright 1993 Reed Business Information, Inc. –This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?>

WITNESS: Yes.>

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?>

WITNESS: I forget.>

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something youforgot?> _____________________________________>

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?>

WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved invoodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.

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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shittin’ me?

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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh…. I was gettin’ laid!

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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you shittin’ me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing anautopsy on him!

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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?

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And the best for last:

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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check fora pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

I am just thrilled to have helped you waste some time today. 🙂