Jokes/Humour – courtroom
I’m supposed to be writing a presentation. But I’m laughing at emails instead. From my mate Amanda. Apparently these are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm…
I’m supposed to be writing a presentation. But I’m laughing at emails instead. From my mate Amanda. Apparently these are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. I checked the book out and it’s called Disorder in the Court: Great Fractured Moments in Courtroom History and this is what the Publishers Weekly said: Misstatements from the courtroom–legalese marred by malapropisms, slips of the tongue, eccentric interpretations and profanities–are gleefully quoted in this compilation.
Copyright 1993 Reed Business Information, Inc. –This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________
______________________________ ________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________
________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?>
WITNESS: Yes.>
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?>
WITNESS: I forget.>
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something youforgot?> ______________________________
_______> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?>
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________
________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved invoodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________
________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________
______ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.
______________________________
__________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin’ me?
______________________________
________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh…. I was gettin’ laid!
______________________________
________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin’ me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________
________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________
________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
______________________________
_______ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________
________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________
________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________
________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing anautopsy on him!
______________________________
______________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________
________ And the best for last:
______________________________
________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check fora pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
I am just thrilled to have helped you waste some time today. 🙂
Hahaha. Great collection there Laurel.